It is just easier that way...

One of these changes that I keep talking about is in the way I view myself. All of my life I have been living to please someone else. That is what has been the easiest. I was going to say it was what made me happy, or what was comfortable but those descriptions didn't always fit. It was not necessarily what made me happy all the time. Sometimes it wasn't comfortable. But as long as I could figure out what others wanted I was ready to comply. It was just easier that way.

I say easier because I didn't have to think to hard about what I wanted or too much on how I felt. The result is I didn't know myself very well. Introductions were always hard for me. You know when you have to go around and tell about yourself. When those times came around I would pick a few very generic likes to list. It was just easier that way.

When it came to doing things it was easier to let my mom or dad or whoever, give me the ideas and then do the work. The truth is they probably thought I had no ideas of my own. The truth was I was timid to let anyone know I had a different idea, that person might not accept it and as a result not accept me. I know that is not how it works but you never know, it might be. Go with the other person's ideas. It was just easier that way.

When it came to school, subjects with exact answers were the easiest for me. I loved algebra, geometry, science, chemistry, physics. There were answers there I just had to find them. I didn't have to come up with them on my own. I loved history as well, especially when it was date and event recall. English and writing were harder, because well I had to come up with my own thoughts and answers. I perfected the art of listening carefully in class and regurgitating answers. I made A's that way. That pleased my family and it was just easier that way.

I was always proud of the fact that I made good grades In the classes that I took, that meant I could think for myself. At least that is what the world outside looking in thought. It was fine by me. It was just easier that way.

I find myself still living by that code, trying to discern what other people want and then giving it to them. Coming up with my own ideas and deciding what I really feel and like still often takes a back seat. However, I am slowly learning who I am and it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

More later.